Lol.

Today was a great day! Had el and it was like so fun and funny at the same time! Hee.. I was acting like a psycho in the impromptu skit and attempting to influence tw. And Liyana was a pap person from the govt who tried to reassure the public. The whole play was on the topic of hope, and i felt that all the actors in our group were very good! haha. Breakthrough in acting.

Acting might seem like it is easy but it's not! It's also about the space and motion and variety and how the actors relate to each other. ^^ Acting in el is really good as i helped me tremendously to quit being a timid little girl, hiding bashfully at the back of the stage- now i dun even mind acting psycho and making a fool of myself.I want to make everyone laugh! I find it rather amazing.
It's great for public speaking and voice projection too! lol. i am so so glad that i joined el. and the people there are real nice too. XDD unlike when i was in track back in my lower sec days. A mighty difference indeed. wheee..

I am feeling better. I just want to love everybody and be a good friend! haha. It's a pleasure to make people smile! I gotta learn how to care about others more and not only about myself all the time. And worrying what will they think of me, since that is completely and utterly senseless and pointless. haha. I love myself as i am, and i am going to keep on growing and rising up to challenge the challenges! XD

I am going to have faith that all the doubts which are flying to and fro around me and whizzing past my head are going to disappear with God's mighty power to demolish strongholds.. and that all the people who are having serious doubts will find the truth and live for it passionately. haha. Like someone i know. Prayer support would be very much appreciated.. yeah. Thank uu..XD

Mraky pluji oblohou,
cerny svit me ozari.
Deprese je to jedine
co mam ted na blizku.
Proc?
Co jsem udelala spatneho?
Kamaradkam..
Doufam,ze brzo slunko vysvitne,
a ze vsechno zase bude tak jak ma byt.

Clouds float in the sky,
black shine comes down.
Depression is the only thing
which is close to me now.
Why?
What did i do wrong?
To my friends..
I am hoping, that soon the sun will shine,
and everything will be alright again.

..Gloom..

I am having weird feelings again. Whenever i think about THAT i just feel so painful and hopeless. Why am i like this, why cant i get over it? Others can get over it, why not me. Maybe it takes time, yeah definitely. I just feel like hugging someone and cry on her shoulders but thats stupid. Now i realised in this state of things i there are no shoulders i can cry on. Feeling lonely. Depressed.

That long ago happiness seems to be draining out and is making me sick. Now i am talking rubbish, but it's true to some extent. Everyone needs love.
Also wondering whether anyone reads my boring blog nowadays, nothing much interesting happens.

I had a talk with my mum about THAT, and she provided a good reason for her behaviour and how i am being a pest to her. Is it true?? Am i an irritating friend who always follows someone around like a whiny dog? Until the other person gets irritated, yeah. I am so so so confused. Now i am at a loss of what to do and how to behave. Should i act cool, indifferent, ignore, try to smile even though it's a fake smile, break down, hugg, avoid? Seems like nobody cares about me anymore, maybe i need to find some new friends and hang out with my classmates more. I feel that i have been neglecting them and they also deserve my affection.

It would be awesome to have a best friend and soulmate to share all my secrets with, one who would not avoid me. One who would be there when i am in this kind of mood. When will i get over it? I feel like a super super small person right now. A small person crumbles by the smallest disappointments and rejections. Sounds like me. I feel like telling someone but there is no one to tell to, and i dont want to bother her anymore. I have bothered her enough. Blehh. Enough of my ranting now!

Wheeww.. and i think i am eating too much. It just seems like the most pleasant thing to do right now. Just baked brownies today and put in too much oil. And did i mention that i am fat?

What a super sucky day! Yesterday too. Since mission trip.

I have realised that some things and people affect me a lot. Unfortunately.

"it's always the ones closest to you that you lose"

Holidays are over.. school comes looming up..

The holidays have passed like a blur, and now is the last sunday of the holidays- oh no it is too sudden!! buhu. two art lessons, chem extra lesson. i happened to come late for that and ms chng scolded me. Actually i feel kinda sorry for her as she seems to be trying her best but the class is just not responding. well. Chemistry is boring and doubly boring with a boring teacher, so who can blame us.. i am meanXD sorry ms chng.

Oac was.. alrite. The activities were fun and i enjoyed them to some extent, but the company of the other leaders was getting me down. Lots of cliques. I actually only talked to a few people who were willing, like Wan Lin and Lilin. hehe.. Had a super late night bible study with mr sng, which ended at four am. Not bad i'll say. And we got free marshmallows too.XD I seriously need to talk more, even to those ppl who i dont feel like talking to. Force myself to talk..lol. Exercise my mouth muscles so that they dont become permanently clamped shut. OPEN MY MOUTH LAA!!

Had lots of free time in oac, so i busied myself with thinking how are all my church sisters and brothers doing on sat and sun. So i just zoned out and spent the whole afternoon like that. No other thing to do what, since all the rest at the first aid base were talking in chinese. I REALLY MISSED CHURCH! Church is da beste!XD whheee.

BINTAN BINTAN BINTAANNN!! hahahahaha. yeap. was really cool. Got to know quite a few ppl and had some laughs too.! The concerts in the evening were the rockiest imaginable and everyone was totaly blown away!!XDD wowww. all the indonesian youths were impacted and fell under the power of God as the indonesian pastor prayed for them. The awesome presence of God just filled that place.. and it was haha AWESOME!! XD I jumped so HIIIGHHH during praise and everybody else did too and just built the atmosphere. There was a shift from the bored atmosphere at first to the electricity-charged atmosphere at the end.. the worship team was awesome too, and some of them even have their newfound fanclubs!!XDD Lolooll. I have to laugh whenever i think about it.:) WOWW. ^^

But i also have some mixed feelings about myself during the course of bintan, like i am not a good friend, lowlife etc laa. Got really frustrated at one instance and felt like throwing things around the hotel room and at people. Why do some people seem so peacefully asleep when i am irritated. I know i am mean..but.. i apologised already. So it really came to my attention that i need to work on my problems and that they are not resolved yet. Cant be bitter at others when they dont want to talk to me and instead talk to other ppl. Is it my mentality or are the others ignoring me.. not like oac pleaasseee.. :"( I hate to tao people. But it is the natural reaction to rejection. Thank you wei tze, ( is that the correct spelling?? sorry) u are the best. I need to do exactly that. i cant keep struggling with the same problem my whole life, i would just die la.

Look to God and praise Him, because He loves me as i am. Even when others dont.

Oh no i can just feel myself getting busier now as all the big and important things are drawing nearer, like Bintan, OAC and investiture and .. Hmph. Mdm Nur has had another crazy idea of doing an art exam next friday, and have to prepare for that with so many sketches and stuff. Irritating la. I share the idea of the class, that doing such a test only for the sake of having a mark on my progress report is rather pointless. And we are supposed to complete the olevel art coursework by june somemore.. *dies*
Art is fun sometimes, but tedious the rest of the time especially the preparation! hehs. Gonna pack my oac bag today!

It is just so tragic that i will be missing pastor's sermon on this sunday.. i am saadd. Really. I always look forward to service and bs. But rite now what i am looking forward to the most is BINTAANN!!!XDDD hahahaha i am going for a mission trip and it's gonna be so much fun! I am in the same room as Crystal. ^^ Cool.
My holidays are not going to be holidays already as i am getting additional homework for oac and even the leaders are not exempted, whose moronic idea was it? And doing all my art prep in two days is just impossible. But enough complaining.
Went out with Ishika today to parkview parade for lunchie, and i bought this rice with meat and vege, and the stall keeper was almost as stingy as cedar the mix and match stall auntie and uncle! Whyyyy.. So i ended up spending more money on another peanut pancake hahas.

Am in church now, but amaths and emaths homework is waiting! OHHH YEEEESSS... I just remembered that we got our differentiation amaths test back today. Hahah i am rather proud of myself. I managed to pass with 18/30! I know that sounds average, but is actually the fourth or fifth amaths test in my life which i passed. But gotta think BIGGER, and aim for an A, yes yes mr tay, i know.
I was freaked out when we got our olevel verification slip today, suddenly the olevels seem SOOO near ahhhh!! *Panics* Betta do something about my studies! yeasss.