It has been a really long time since i last updated! So i am updating now.. after my emaths paper 2 is over finally!! And i am rather hopeful to get at least a B, and i am hoping for A! XD yeahh man.

Listened to pastor's Where's Demas CD. I find it sad. That some people just wanna leave church like that. Is there a reason for it i wonder? Like, why do they suddenly wan to leave? I think it's a long process, and does not only have one factor, but a lot of factors that influence those who later on backslide.

Pastor said that it's drifting away from the presence of God, and yes, i agree. One cant last long without the presence of God, cos then, it's just empty. One will have to force himself to go to church and the passion is bound to wane if it continues like that.
It's also important to have great relationships with other people in church and one's own leaders. Relationships create the sense of belonging to a group, and makes it a joy to come back every week!

Eventho some may not admit it, everyone thirsts for deep and true relationships. I do, and my friends do too. I am not ashamed to say that i need great relationships. I want to be loved and accepted. Included. Not in a superficial way, but from the heart.

It is painful to see people not included. People who want to do something but are not encouraged to, not supported, not ... because of 'structure'.
Friendships should come before 'structure', good friends should not be forcefully torn apart by 'structure'.

Actually friendships, if not tampered with, will form it's own structure. Some people will do this, others will do that. And it's a joy, and not a burden! Cos we know each other so well, and for a long time already.
All the good things bloom in this environment. All envy bitterness is gone; there's no need for it. We are all one team, a group of people working together and having fun and ...

Hurhur. I still dont feel in my environment. And when i do, it's the 'structure' thing again.
Feels like i have one leg here, and the other one over there, and my heart is on no man's land. Disconnected from both worlds.

So i look. Right or left? Where to go? Friends i have known for a long time, or 'structure'?

Don't get me wrong. 'Structure' has it's benefits, but also has two sides to it.
If you are happy with it, excellent! You are set to grow and do many amazing things you have never done before! Inspired and on fire.

If you're not happy.. well.. you can try to make some 'new' good friends, while looking at those who you knew play in their own little secluded field, (and i should add, having great fun). Basically leaving behind what you've known and treasured and which could have developed into great things and exploits.
'New' friends are great to get to know, but i feel that they should not come at the expense of 'old' ones.

I know a song-

Neopoustej stare zname pro nove,
zvlaste kdyz jsou momentalne v nouzi.
Mozna maji pamet jako slonove,
mozna je to nadosmrti mrzi.

Dneska jsi tak uspesny a nemas strach,
zadny hrebik netlaci te v bote.
Zitra budes opusteny stary brach,
zitra budes uz mit hrebik v bote.

A great song sung by my favourite artist.

Don't leave old friends for new ones,
especially when they are in need at the moment.
Maybe they have a memory like elephants,
or maybe it grieves them all their life.

Today you are so prosperous and you have no fear,
nothing is holding you back.
Tomorrow you will be an abandoned old brother,
tomorrow there will be something holding you back.

My cry is that people will not feel unwanted and disconnected, especially in such a great place. Folks may say; you are mature, you must overcome! Jia you!
I dont seek encouragement just for that one occasion, i seek real heartfelt support throughout.
I want to overcome, i am working to overcome, .. but that would make it a whole lot easier.

I may be an egoistic goof full of paranoia, but hey, this is me. heh. At least it's me, before i become an aggressive freako who is bent on revenge. hehheh.

How do i love when i dont feel loved? +++